


feel the blood on your skin (i missed you)

by Alemantele



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Family, Gen, eren needs to appreciate mikasa more, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 07:31:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3126164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alemantele/pseuds/Alemantele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years later, when he was looking back, he’d realize that Mikasa was always there. Right by his side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	feel the blood on your skin (i missed you)

The first thing Eren was aware of when he finally regained use of his senses was Mikasa’s arms wrapped tight around his shoulders. His mind was a blur of red red red, and his skin was still fucking steaming, and he felt blood covering his everything, but Mikasa was there and that somehow made it all almost okay again. 

Mikasa was there. 

(Years later, when he was looking back, he’d realize that Mikasa was always there. Right by his side.)

(He’d just never noticed it before.) 

Her (red) scarf fluttered in the wind. His eyes, still blurry, focused on the bright colour. 

“Mi…kasa?” he asked, his voice hoarse. 

He received nothing but shaking sobs in response. With a start, Eren realized that he had never heard Mikasa cry—not even when he first saw her, trembling and scared while Eren fought off men three times his size, not even when Wall Maria first fell. Mikasa simply never cried. 

Her shoulders were shaking. He slowly moved to wrap his arms around her waist, rubbing at her back. Eren wasn’t good at a lot of things and comforting crying sisters was one of them. 

Mikasa was saying something Eren couldn’t quite make out, not with all the shouting all around them. 

Later, he’d be aware that they were all there. But now, just right now, it was Eren and Mikasa, holding onto each other. 

Mikasa’s tears were warm. 

Eren was afraid. He remembered the titan’s stomach and Armin’s terrified scream and all the fucking corpses. He remembered the feeling of his bones between a titan’s snapping jaw (and fuck he could feel two arms and two legs now. What the fuck had happened?) and the bubbling red mess all around him and that was when he screamed. 

Eren was fucking terrified. 

But Mikasa was there and Mikasa was crying. So Eren rubbed circles into Mikasa’s back and when his ears cleared up from all the ringing he finally heard the strangled cries of Eren and you’re alive that were like wisps of smoke from her mouth. 

Mikasa never cried. 

Her tears were hot. 

* * *

 

That night, Eren woke.

And he—bit down hard on his lips—clenched his fists—just so that he wouldn’t scream again. 

Mikasa was awake and by his side as soon as he jerked awake to the sensation of fucking teeth closing in on his arm and Armin’s face streaked with tears still burned into his mind. Of course she was. Mikasa was always there. 

She didn’t say anything, probably thinking Eren didn’t want to talk about it. 

Fuck that. 

“You know how Titans are hot and steaming?” Eren started, trying to keep his voice light. 

Mikasa looked startled. “Yes,” she replied, her eyes cautiously looking him over. Eren wondered if she was checking for signs that he would snap would turn into a titan would scream before he remembered that it was Mikasa and not some probing member of the military police. 

(They had given him one night.)

“They’re even hotter on the inside,” he said. “I would’ve died from the heat first, probably.” 

Mikasa’s face twisted for half a second before it reverted back to her usual stoic look. “But you didn’t,” she said, her voice firm. 

“Yeah,” Eren agreed. “I didn’t.” He bit back it might’ve been better if I did and hoped it didn’t show on his face. “Armin looked so scared,” he continued. “You should’ve seen the look on his face.” 

Mikasa nodded slowly. “Anyone would’ve been.” 

“And there were so many other people in that fucking stomach,” Eren said, unable to stop himself at this point. Everything came pouring out, “I could see floating arms and legs and half eaten bodies and the fucking thing doesn’t even need to digest any of it. I tore that titan inside out. I sort of remember it. I remember screaming. I remember wanting them all to die.” 

When he looked back at her, Mikasa’s eyes were pained.  

Eren fell silent. 

“Why?” Mikasa asked, her voice breaking on the single syllable. 

She did not need to say any more for Eren to understand. Why are you telling me this? 

“Because I’m scared, Mikasa,” Eren said, slowly shifting so that he is facing her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pressing his forehead to hers. “I’m so fucking scared.” 

Mikasa closed her eyes. She still looked pained. 

Eren was not a subtle person, nor did he want to hide his feelings or was particularly good at picking out the subtle emotions in other peoples’ faces. In that one moment though, he wished he could see what Mikasa was thinking. 

“I’m scared too,” she finally said, and looked away. 

(Later, Eren would realize—be told, really—that Mikasa Ackerman never once said a word against him. That she was as devoted to him as he was to fighting the titans. Later, someone would ask Eren how much he loved Mikasa, and he would find himself unable to answer. 

Years later, Eren would find himself beating himself up, remembering the past, wishing he could go back and shake himself over and over and tell him to appreciate Mikasa love Mikasa understand Mikasa please don’t let her go.) 

“This fucking war,” Eren mused mostly to himself, turning to look out the window at the stars in the sky. He missed the way Mikasa’s eyes tightened and she curled into herself just the tiniest bit. 

Mikasa nodded. “Yeah,” she echoed. 

Eren growled, his fist tightening on the blankets. “I just wish they would all fucking die already. Why won’t they die?” 

“Because they want to survive too,” Mikasa said. 

Eren was shocked into silence. He turned to stare at Mikasa’s unwavering face. Her lips were pressed tightly together. She looked stoic and sad all at the same time, but Eren didn’t notice the way her jaw was clenched so tightly. Eren didn’t notice a lot of things. 

“That’s not true,” he spit. “How could you say that?” He grabbed onto one of Mikasa’s shoulders, her reaction only noticeable by the slight widening of her eyes. “They don’t need to eat us to survive they’re just doing it for fun. God, did you see the look on that one that killed mom?  It was smiling, Mikasa, it was fucking smiling!” Eren was shouting now, but he barely noticed the way his voice was rising hysterically. 

“I’m going to kill them all,” he said. “I’m going to fucking kill them all because they don’t deserve to live in this fucking world.” 

(Later, Eren would realize the irony of those words and look down at himself as a titan and laugh laugh laugh until he couldn’t laugh anymore.) 

Mikasa’s eyes were blown wide now. 

“I promise you,” Eren said, his teeth grinding in frustration. “I will promise you now that I will kill every last one of them. Are you with me?” 

Silently, Mikasa nodded. 

“Promise?” 

Again, a nod. 

Eren suddenly realized his was still gripping Mikasa’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, letting go. 

Mikasa rubbed at the spot where his fingers were digging into her flesh, and Eren hoped he hadn’t left bruises. “It’s okay,” she said, shaking her head. “Don’t worry about it.” 

(Later, Eren would cry over Mikasa Mikasa Mikasa and wondered where he went wrong. 

You promised, he could scream, over and over as if that made any fucking difference at all. 

Too late he would realize that she had promised to fight the titans with him, not—not to stay. Too late he would realize that that was all he ever really wanted. 

He never did ask her about how she felt when he died or why she held him so close when she cried. Why his name was the first word out of her mouth. Why she was crying. Crying for him. 

Eren fucking Jaeger. Who would cry for him? 

Too late he would realize that he shouldn’t’ve even have had to ask  her, that the way she was always there with him when he woke always there when he needed her—that that should’ve been enough to tell him. Mikasa had never said I love you, not when her most relieved words had been you’re alive. But Eren realized in dismay that he had never thought those words not even once and that she probably stayed up late at night turning them over and over and over in his mind. 

Fuck. 

Eren was a terrible brother, wasn’t he?)

“I never told you,” Mikasa said to him that morning, “how I felt when you weren’t dead.” 

Eren gave her a strange look. “How did you feel?” 

Mikasa didn’t smile very often, but there was a small smile on her face now. “I felt—feel—happy,” she stated bluntly. “I feel relieved.” She paused in her work for a second and scrutinized his face. “Eren, you mean a lot to me, you know?” 

Eren shrugged. “You’re my sister,” he simply said. 

Her face fell slightly, but the smile didn’t falter. “Welcome home,” she said. 

“Home?” Eren chuckled painfully. “This isn’t home, Mikasa. Home is back there, where the wall fell. Home is where mom was. Home is what the titans destroyed.” He shook his head. “This isn’t home.” 

“Welcome back then,” Mikasa said, the smile dropped from her face. 

“Yeah,” Eren agreed. “I’m glad to be here.” 

(Too late, Eren would realize that home was where family was and Mikasa was family. 

He never did get to say welcome home back.) 


End file.
